Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Your penis caused this!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
