My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
