i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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