Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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