when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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