This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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