After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Your penis caused this!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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