drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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