Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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