Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
