My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
