I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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