If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
