i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
