I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm really busy with my period
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