My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I need to stop coming to work sober
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i think my cat just said my name.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
