I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
