I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
