i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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