69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
