for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
