I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
