??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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