So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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