All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What a dumb baby whore.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
