I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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