masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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