Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
