I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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