I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
