cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
