everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
