Swine flu. Run for my life!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
