Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
