i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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