4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
