Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
