I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
