My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
