you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
