haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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