bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
