We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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