I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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