Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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