Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
