The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
