if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
