you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
