She is in my trunk
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
