Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
