I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
