he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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