Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
