I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
