I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
