I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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