I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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