I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
