I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
