mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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