I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
