I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
