facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can't put those talents on a resume
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
