Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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