Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
